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// The Church Bulletin
Pesting, pesting, 1-2-3

It is a family custom to go to the Canfield Fair each year and have our first glass of cider. I then sit down until we leave.

While strolling through the building where the cider is, I noticed a table of free handouts from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources. Since my wife's 65th birthday was around the corner, I picked up a map of all the hunting and fishing areas in Ohio, wrapped it and gave it to her on her birthday.

She was really surprised, especially since she doesn't hunt or fish.

I also picked up a handout titled "Uninvited House Guests." I learned some interesting stuff. For example, let's say that somehow a squirrel gets into your house. Do you know what to do?

First, don't chase the squirrel. This will cause damage by the pesky pest, who will break your knick knacks and bowling awards. Instead, it is suggested that you close off the room the squirrel is in. Then try to calm the little fellow down. This is best done if you play some music by Alvin and the Chipmunks. All squirrels love Alvin.

After putting on the relaxing music, you are to open an escape door for the squirrel and then watch. There are two possible consequences to doing this: (A) Either the squirrel will run out the door (definitely the preferred option), or (B) his friends will come in to party with him. When the party's over and you're out of nuts, they'll finally leave.

But what if the squirrel is trapped inside your chimney? This has a very simple answer, especially if it is in the middle of winter. Get a ladder and climb up onto your roof. You will also need to have a ½-inch rope long enough to drop down the chimney to where the squirrel is.

Lower the rope and wait for the squirrel to climb out on the rope. Waiting will be fun, especially if it is 10 below zero and snowy. You may die.

The rules change, of course, if you have a skunk in the house. What I would do first is call a Realtor. The pamphlet didn't address that option, however. It did say that if the skunk is living under the porch, you should place rags soaked in ammonia near the nest. You may try to trap the skunk, but, remember, it is illegal to relocate a skunk, raccoon, or opossum to your neighbor Mike's yard.

Indeed, by law, you must leave it loose on your own property—presumably so it won't be so hard for it to find its way back inside.

– Gary Church, a former grower, is a columnist for the New Castle (Pa.) News